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Seven Creative Uses of Word

 

Yes, we’re more than just classroom fodder for teaching English and something for wiping your nose on. We promise! Here’s a little something to get them juices flowing

 

Creativity is a watchword here at the Word, and we think you salary-drones should be more creative, too. Arm yourself with these tips and find new, exciting uses for all those back issues of Word we know you’re hoarding.

 

But be warned — this is the advanced list. You won’t find simple collaging, origami or ransom notes here.

 

Still here? Newbies scared off? Great! Let’s get started.

 

Sticks and Stones

 

Given its density and resilience, thick enough layers of paper can stop fists, knives and clubs. So the next time your gang is going to rumble with the Jets in the old pork crackling plant, armour up with the Word. Slip two to three issues under your shirt at strategic locations, and voila — instant death proof!*

 

Pro tip: with enough duct tape, Word can also be creatively applied to guard your face. Be sure to apply at least three issues to the top, back and sides, then roll ones up to frame the face and protect the nose. Tape liberally in place. Leave room for eye slits and a breathing hole. Bye-bye bike helmets! And if you should meet an excitingly gruesome death, at least you’ll go out looking good.

 

*Unless they have guns, of course, in which case your friends at least won’t have to mop up as much blood — made from 100% recycled paper and crushed literary hopes, Word is actually very hygroscopic. Which leads us to…

 

Out, Damned Spot!

 

Got tough stains to get out from where your friend Velvet Elvis puked up those durian daiquiris? Back issues of Word make a fantastic surface cleaner. Our unique cesium-based inks will gently irradiate the stains away as our 100% recycled 3,4-dextrohydroctylpentahexafluronontium polymer paper shaves off each offending molecule out with its famous atomically sharp edges!

 

Pro tip: Caesium is carcinogenic — but don’t worry, the polymer will have stripped your skin and muscle away long before any tumours can form, unless the ionizing radiation gets you first. Use in a well-ventilated area, preferably in a different house.

 

Iron Rations

 

Starving? Trapped on a tropical island with nothing but back issues of Word? Not to worry! Individually woven from strands of baby vole skin, our 100% organic vellum is actually edible — and tastes great when gently grilled and served with grubs and presumably edible jungle flowers!

 

Pro tip: given our printer’s patented lithium-based Lithion Metallic Ink, you won’t even mind you’re trapped on a deserted island — hell, you might not even notice after a while.

 

Brighten Up That Room A Little

 

Nothing brightens up a room like gorgeous photos on slick magazine paper. If your room is drab, try papering the walls with issues of Word. It’ll be like having all of us here at Word… in there with you… staring down at you, all night long!

 

Metal Detectors Don’t Detect Paper

 

Got an enemy inside who just needs to be taken care of? Did El Ratel over in Block B disrespect your colours? Never fear, Word is here — and soon to be there, wedged in El Ratel’s spine.

 

As any prison guards will tell you, Word is the number one choice of convicts, killers, roisterers, nogoodniks and yard-shankers around the world.

 

Not sure how to proceed? It’s easy! First, get convicted of a horrible, horrible crime and sent up for life. Smuggle in your back issues of Word. Second, roll your copy of Word as tightly as possible into a cylinder, securing it with contraband duct tape or dozens of rubber bands. Patiently grind it against the concrete floor until you’ve achieved a wickedly sharp point. Voila — instant death machine!

 

All you have to do next is shank until the guards club you off, but watch out: El Ratel is probably packing a copy of Word, too.

 

Pro tip: Not enough time to grind? No fear. Word can also be used to beat, smash and suffocate.

 

You Shouldn’t Have

 

For our readers who like to pinch pennies, show love and frugality by slipping old copies of Word to beggars, into wedding envelopes, into Christmas stockings, or as a substitute for lucky money at Tet!

 

Remember, you’re not only giving the gift of literacy in 200 pages of slick layout, colourful photos and page after page of ads, you’re also saving the planet by recycling those old copies!

 

Pro tip: Don’t hesitate to personalize. Try replacing all the names in articles with the name of the gift recipient, so they know it’s all about them. You can also glue your face onto every photo, so you stare back out at them from every page, ensuring they know exactly who got them this amazing gift!

 

Pay It Backwards or Forwards or Something

 

If you enjoy our stimulating, nutritious content month in and month out, but feel vaguely guilty because you’re getting so much joy and possibility free, then this is the one for you.

 

Slip a VND500,000 note between each page, seal it in an envelope, and drop it off at Word offices to let us know just how much you’ve loved all 100 issues of our Pulitzer and Nobel-prize winning magazine.

 

Don’t hesitate to send love notes to your favourite Word personalities, too — we may love money, but we also love being loved.

 

Disclaimer: the Word Magazine, LLC, endorses none of these ideas and thinks they are terrible and probably harmful. Except the last one, which is very cool

  


 

Special Thanks

Many, many people have made these past 100 issues happen. Here are some of them:

 

Brian Webb, Bailey Seybolt, Aaron Joel Santos, Julia Plevin, Ian Paynton, David Stout, Debbie Clare, Douglas Pyper, Rose Arnold, Fabiola Buchele, Kaitlin Rees, Hoa Le, Julie Vola, Jesse Meadows, Francis Roux, Marc Forster-Pert, Dominic Blewett, Chau Giang, Elisabeth Rosen, David Harris, David Mann, Suzie Meiklejohn, Peter Stuckings, Thin Lei Win, Christine Van, John Thornton, Vu Ha Kim Vy, Paolo Maling, Jim Abril, Duncan Forgan, Sarah Johnson, Nguyen Tan Loc, Quinn Ryan Mattingly, Huynh Hau, Vu Minh Tri, Tran Huynh The Vu, Le Dang Phuong Trang, Rico Gonzalez, Linh Phanroy, Kyle Phanroy, Duong Thi Thanh Xuan, Ed Weinberg, Charlie Barnes, Khoa Tran, Galen Stolee, Brian Letwin, Nguyen Thuc Doan Hien, James Allen, EJ Chung, Stephanie Cantrell, Mark Allan, Francis Xavier, Alexandre Garel, Mads Monsen, Derek Milroy, Tal Cohen, Yves Schiepek, Karen Hewell, Niko Savvas, Owen Salisbury, Jon Aspin, Duong Vy Bao and Nick Ross

 


 

 

To read more of this cover story, please click on the following links:

 

In the Beginning There Wasn't the Word

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/in-the-beginning-there-wasn-t-the-word

 

A Short History of Word

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/a-short-history-of-word

 

What You Say

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/what-you-say

 

Inbox: Your Letters, Comments and Emails from Over the Years

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/inbox

 

Our Top Articles

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/our-top-articles

 

Did You Know?

http://wordvietnam.com/people-culture/the-big-story/did-you-know

 

More in this category: « Did You Know?

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